Thoughts

Being a mom is challenging. Being a single mother is even more challenging. Being a single mother without much of a support system can be overwhelming.

Before I became a mother I had this wonderful image in my head of what motherhood was going to be like. There were going to be blissful evenings with my well behaved child cuddled up to me while watching a movie. My child’s father and I would watch our child play and look each other in the eyes and just gush about the creation God had blessed us with. There were going to be home cooked meals every night for my family. I would be a stay at home mom with a supportive husband and life would be grand.

That is not the reality.

The reality is I ended up in single motherhood without the slightest clue how to raise a child. More often than not we have hot dogs, macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner because this is all my picky son will eat. I do cook on occasion and offer my son new things but he is not at all daring in the trying new foods category.

I work 48 hours a week minimum. I wake before dawn, at 4am, six days a week. When I get home from work all I want to do is relax, watch tv, read a magazine. But really I have to suck it up and do dishes, laundry, get some food in my son’s belly, play with his train set (while I put his tracks back together about 389 times a night), make play dough animals, bathe him and get him all snuggly in his bed. When I finally lay down my mind is going a mile a minute thinking of things I need to wrap up for the week. When I finally do fall asleep I am awoken, what seems like minutes later, to a three year old crawling into bed with me.

I have a dedicated babysitter that I am very thankful for, but that is as far as my “support system” goes. Most everyone else in my life shows very little to no interest in being involved in my son’s life. This is sad, but thankfully he has me: his dedicated, loving, beautiful mother…..Oh…sorry. 🙂

My family tend to shy away from me and my son. I don’t know why but I used to try to force it. I would invite myself over or relentlessly try to make plans. My baby needed to get acclimated to the family dynamics. The more I forced the more I got angry at how I seemed to be the only one trying. I stopped trying. You can’t force people to be in your child’s life. All I know is they are the ones missing out. They can stay holed up in their shells and hide from the world but me and my son will be enjoying our lives. With or without them.

Devastation

Those of you who don’t know…I am raising my great nephew as my own. He is three years old and I’ve had him in my care since he was nine months old. I consider him mine. Now…

I recently heard some news that has left me devastated to say the least:

His birth mother is pregnant again.

I am angry, I am heartbroken and I am angry. Did I mention i was angry?

Why, you ask? Because now one day I have to try to convince my child that he was not a mistake despite the fact that his birth mother had a child before him and after him and he was the only one she gave away. Her life decisions don’t only affect her. They affect ALL of her children in different ways and they affect me. I’ve cried, I’ve cursed and I have asked God why He has allowed this to happen. I mean, without going into all the details let me just say this woman does not deserve any more children. And she is ecstatic apparently…posting ultrasound pics on social media. Nevermind the fact that she hasn’t inquired about her second son in months.

Honestly, I’m not the type that wishes she would just go away. I’m the type that wants this child to remain with me forever but would also like for him to know his family. I guess it’s hard to explain. I’ve been where he is. I was raised without either of my biological parents. I want him to have the best of both worlds and I guess I am expecting too much. It’s not fair sometimes that she gets to go on about her business and I’m left to try to compassionately explain things to my child for her. It’s not fair that she is blissfully unaware that her actions hurt us too.

Parents: Just remember that your actions affect your children whether you are raising them or not.

Don’t give Moutain Dew to a child…just don’t.

From my previous posts you know that I am dealing with a child who may have (dr says too early to tell) some type of hyperactivity disorder. I believe he does and so does his doctor. I admittedly struggle sometimes with him. I ask for advice from the trusted people in my life.

Every week, my son has a two hour class at our church. The leader of that class has expressed concerns about my son’s behavior a few times. “He doesn’t listen”, “He has trouble sitting still at quiet time”, “He can’t stay focused”, “He kicked another child”…and so on. All of these seem to me the typical behaviors of a three year old. I was, however, concerned with the kicking of another child. That is not acceptable.

After three times of this “leader” trying to discipline my child (in front of me sometimes), I had had enough. I finally told her that there is an underlying issue and what works best for him is to be removed from the situation so he can calm himself down. Lecturing does not work, neither does taking away snacks and other treats (which she had done). I basically told her to shove it and let ME be his parent. In the past she has tried lecturing ME about how to discipline and even prayed for me to have the wisdom to discipline him. She tended to keep lecturing him as I stood there ready to pick him up after class. He would get more and more agitated and in turn become even more difficult to handle. SO…

I turned to my mother for advice. I love her, I trust her. She proceeds to tell me that “so and so” has an adhd child and their doctor suggested a strong cup of coffee before an important activity (which according to my mother had been confirmed by other people). I tell my mother there is no way my little monster is going to enjoy the taste of coffee. She suggested a small amount of mountain dew instead.

The next week, I pick my son up from the babysitter…mountain dew in hand. I gave him a bit in the car on the way home. He seemed to enjoy it (he never gets pop otherwise). We stop home for a bit to pass some time until it was time to go to church.

As soon as we walk in the door…He is LITERALLY bouncing off the walls! I mean, I had never seen a child so hyper in my life! In an hour he managed to spill my tea from jumping around, destroy my bathroom, terrorize the cat enough to get scratched in the face…he was like Superman at ultimate speed! He jumped from the couch to the chair, to his little elmo couch on the floor…he ran up the stairs, ran down the stairs in a whirlwind!!!

In the beginning I tried correcting him but there was just no pacifying him! I just kept thinking “We can’t go to church like this!!” I let him run around and blow off some energy (making sure he was safe). I just kept praying that this little burst of kinetic energy would wear off soon. Finally, we left for church.

I dropped him off at his class and hoped for the best…

When I picked him up, his leader said he was very well behaved (I’m still not sure if she said that because I’ve spoken to her in a stern way before, or that he was in fact well behaved). I praised my son for his good listening skills during his class time and home we went. He was back to normal.

I’ve come to realize that caffeine is NOT the answer. I will never in my life give another child a bit of mountain dew. Thanks mom…

Unconventional motherhood.

Ok, so to make a very long story short…I became a mother in an unconventional way. I am the legal guardian of a family member’s child. He is 3 years old and I have had him in my care since he was 9 months old.

To put it lightly, this parenting (especially SINGLE parenting) thing is not as easy as I thought it would be.

I never planned on being a single mother and it definitely has it’s advantages and disadvantages. For instance:

Advantage: I can raise him how I please without anyone else’s input.

Disadvantage: I’m doing it on one income.

I love this boy as if he came from my body. With that said…He…IS…A HANDFUL!

I am constantly seeking advice from the seasoned parent. Or maybe just an ear to listen to my bizzarely fantabulous day with my little one.

First off, his doctor and I are convinced he has some type of hyperactivity disorder. The boy literally jumps out of bed in the morning ready to take on the world! He is super active from that moment until the moment he goes to bed. This kid does not rest. His doctor says he will not be able to confirm a diagnosis until he is school aged. Oy!

Secondly, ours is a truly unique situation and I find myself stumbling on my words when he asks me if he came from my belly like his cousin came from his Aunt’s belly. I mean, what do you say to that? The truth…but it’s also important that it’s a truth appropriate for a 3 year old. It’s challenging.

However, it has it’s wonderful days as well. Days like today when he begged me to get in bed with him and read him a story. He then took a turn and told me a wonderful story about all the animals going ni-night. He fulfills me in a way I didn’t even know was possible.

To close this post I would like to share that this blog is for me to pose questions, document my day, share my thoughts and/or seek advice. Seek out someone, ANYONE, who doesn’t think I’m just flat out going nuts. lol. Some days I feel like I am. He definitely gives me a run for my money, but I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Introduction

Hello, my name is Jessica. I’m a 36 year old divorced woman with one child. There is a story within that story though…

I have no biological children. In fact, I have had two miscarriages and a stillborn at 20 weeks. After the trauma of losing my pregnancies and some issues with my marriage (story for another time), I got divorced and became this weak, broken woman.

After my life experiences catapulted me into a deep depression, I tried to come to grips that I wasn’t getting any younger and should just stop wanting children. Ugh, just the thought of going through the motions of dating, getting to know someone, feeling comfortable with them, convincing them to marry and impregnate me just totally seemed like waaaaay too  much work. That was it. I’d convinced myself that the only way I would have a child was if some desperate, pregnant woman just gave me her child. The chances of that happening were slim to none. So that was it…I would spend my life childless.

I have always been a spiritual woman. I have always believed in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I have always been a believer in the Christian faith but was not raised in the church. I wondered why God would bless me with my pregnancies but then take them away. Why would He take my babies? I wasn’t certain, but I was convinced it just wasn’t in His plan.

I began talking to a Pastor friend of mine about life in general. Things got more personal and I opened up about my life and my true desires. All I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother, and both of those dreams had been destroyed. My Pastor friend asked me if I had ever told this to God. I told him no, but that I would try it. That night I had a conversation with God. I told him my heart desires and how much it hurt emotionally that those things had be taken from me. I told God all I ever wanted since I was 15 years old was to be a mother.

About a year later my life changed forever. Guess what happened? Yes, that’s right…I got a call from a desperate, pregnant woman asking me to adopt her child…

And so it began…my journey to motherhood.

To be continued..